The short end

I have known this for a long time, but it was once again proved to me today; women definitely got the short end of the stick. It starts early with the disappointment of realizing we can’t pee standing up. How convenient it is that your brother can just go behind the tree but you need toilet paper to finish the job. Then you realize you have to buy twice as many undergarments and yours are WAY more expensive if you want anything sexier than Hanes white cotton bikinis (which at 10 isn’t a problem, but later in life it’s embarassing). After that you have to sit through talks about ovaries and periods and pads, which is almost just as bad as actually having a period. WE HAVE TO SHAVE OUR LEGS. People could say this is a choice, but really, we all know it’s not. People would shun you. Hairy she-legs are not OK. After that we get into the real doozies: growing a human, birthing a human*, dealing with the aftermath of birthing a human, being milked like a cow, Nair, hormones, menopause (and more hormones), anti-wrinkle eye cream… You get the picture. This is why we deserve a big, stinkin’ beautiful diamond. I don’t think I could say it’s a fair trade, but it’s a good start. Jay did well. 🙂

Today’s “short end” reminder: It may be Movemeber (Mustache-November), but it was time for this mustache to go, so I emailed (oh, how times have changed) the local department store and set up an appointment to make me look like a lady again. I was slightly ashamed walking into the upscale beauty room in my workout clothes, but I did it anyway. The phrase “nobody knows you here” really rings true when you’re in a different country. However, when I do this, I should probably start working on my British accent — I don’t want to give Americans a sloppy rap.

I was scheduled for an eyebrow and upper lip “threading”. What is this you ask? It’s alternative form of hair removal in which they literally use thread to do their dirty work. I know guys, it’s hard to keep track with lasers and creams and sugars and waxes galore — be thankful the hair on your body is considered normal, mostly. Mustaches only work on Tom Selleck and Dan Stelken. Sorry Dad, I prefer you mustache-less, but I didn’t mind the goatee. And definitely not you Jay, don’t get any ideas. Anyway, I decided to try the new trend because I had read that threading is actually more efficient at removing the hair than waxing. Plus, there is the oil that goes on before and the lotion that goes on after waxing that inevitably clogs enough pores that I end up with at least a zit or two right between eyes. Waxing is a truly lovely experience (sarcasm). However, I was wrong to think that threading would be any more pleasant. Turns out the the lady plucking hair out of my face was controlling a thread of torture: my eyes watered and stung; I had small hairs find their way into my eyes and tickle my nose; and I had to take two time-outs to get my bearings. It was a truly awful experience, but the lady did a bang up job. I’ll probably go back in December.

Pain is beauty, right? Please God, someone tell me threading gets better, because today I wished I could have a mustache and a unibrow.

*I understand that some day (maybe) I will think all things to do with child carrying/bearing are beautiful. However, right now, I prefer the stork method.

 

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